I'm a lucky, lucky lady. My days are filled with so much wonder that I often find myself in awe of these two boys of mine. I've been a Mama for nearly 6 years (??!!!???) now, yet I'm still learning the ropes of parenting every day. Recently, we made the decision that I will quit my day job, for at least a few years, to devote more of myself to these two rad dudes of ours and to my sweet husband and home. I'm pretty sure my learning curve won't grow exponentially as I navigate this new role, but I sure do feel grateful for this opportunity. I'm over the moon to be around for all of Rigby's "firsts" and to be able to walk Jack back and forth to school each day while he is still allowing me to hold his hand and to kiss him hello and goodbye.
I know the days of little boy Jack are numbered...the eye rolls and looks of exasperation have already been happening for months. And, earlier this summer, when we went to see Inside Out, he climbed into my lap only to be disappointed that his growing body couldn't quite get comfy. Instead, he kissed my cheek as he climbed back into his own chair to finish the movie and my broken heart was left to mend.
I want to savor these days. I want to be home to bake cookies and make delicious homemade snacks and dinners. I want to build Legos and read chapter books out loud, I even want to change diapers! I also want to be around to foster this budding friendship between these two boys of mine because that's what I believe is my most important job as a parent. My greatest wish is for these two to be best buds for life.
But, I also want to read smart magazines and good books so that I can be an interesting conversationalist and I want to photograph more with our real camera and I want to do more writing and I want to keep up with the latest nutrition research. I have a growing fear that my intellectual abilities will start to diminish, that my brain will turn to child mush and I will have nothing interesting to talk about with grown-ups. I know my day will look a lot different than David's, which is full of academic stimulation and a self-driven quest for learning, I just need to stop comparing the two and be okay with the differences.
I'm searching for my way. Trying to find balance in my new role. Trying to stay patient with the boys despite feeling the need to be doing a million things at one time (nursing, making lunch, and listening to Jack tell his 15th story of the day while looking at his latest Lego creation all while the dishes pile up and Sadie is begging for her dinner). Trying to enjoy this luxury, which I realize is a great luxury, of being able to stay at home rather than feeling inadequate that what I'm doing is not quite good or worthy enough.